An open letter to the Coca Cola Company re: Tab Energy Drinks

Dear Coke,

You’re on the verge of something here. Please don’t mess it up.

First off, let me say that Tab Energy drink is slowly but surely working its way on to my best-friend list.

I like the new spunky-sweet can design, the look of the rosy bubbles, and the sweet, crisp, pink taste (particularly when I introduce it to my other friend, Grey Goose). But most importantly I like the idea that I can get a fast infusion of caffeine from something that isn’t called monster rash or nun-chuck-fuel or some other asinine name.

So you’ve got me.

Which is why again, I plead with you not to screw this up.

Until recently, I fantasized that’s there was some fantastically fabulous, strong woman behind this brand revival. In my mind, one bright shiny day not too long ago Brilliant Brand Brenda strut into your board room and wowed the crowd with graphs and charts pointing to a bold vision of a new energy drink designed for *real women*.

Then I saw the commercial.

While yea, I agree that “women do need a different kind of fuel to be fabulous” I just couldn’t understand some of the images. Why did you have to go with the shot of the cliché puffy white accessory dog? And what’s with the freaky Joan Crawford who (apparently) needs to caffeinate in order to assault a helpless pool boy?

Boooo Coke!! Booo!

Before writing off the whole thing I decided to go to the Tab Energy Drink website. As I typed in the URL I closed my eyes and said a silent prayer “Please no Paris Hilton. Please no Paris Hilton. Please no Paris Hilton…”

Alas… the site is actually quite good! Not only does it manage the right balance of cute/chic, but the imagery actually reflects a more thoughtful customer: a woman who actually looks like she might need a swig of Tab Energy because she’s had a long day at the office.

Whew! So you should know I’ve decided to ignore your idiotic commercial and remain convinced that the brand is smart. I like it that way. After all, I want to proudly order Absolut & Tab E at happy hour. When I go to Dominick’s I’d very much like to avoid the humiliation of burying the 4-pack at the bottom of my cart under fat-free fudgesicles.

In closing, dear corporate Coke people, I ask you again...

Please.
Don’t screw up my Tab.
Seriously.

J. Anderson
Diet Coke addict since 1998
(Tentatively) Proud Tab Energy drinker since 2006