Oy My Back

Today is the one year anniversary of my back injury. Reflecting on it this morning I re-ran through the blog fully expecting to find a ton of posts on the subject but was surprised that there weren't any really. So odd. The actual pain of the injury couldn't be more fresh in my mind. And the months and months of therapy were such a huge part of my life. In fact, I still go to physical therapy today.

At the time I think I was so stressed and depressed I just couldn't share. If I actually talked about the pain or released what I really had to say it would have been pretty dark. So I made a choice I guess. I chose to blog about my pregnancy and the joy of our upcoming arrival rather than dwell on the excruciating pain and miserable journey I was on for my back to heal. It wasn't totally honest I suppose but everyone wants to hear about a baby, not a bad back. And frankly for my own mental health I wanted to focus on the baby too.

One year later, I'm SO MUCH BETTER. Holy Mother-of-Jesus am I better! Just incredible. And so with that, I'll commemorate the year with a few reflections...

First off - know that I'm not sure how I hurt my back. Prior to the injury I'd been flying twice a week and working at a desk hunched over for hours with no regard for ergonomic support. (And yes, I can see you straightening your back now. Haaha.) Even though I was working out with a trainer and was stronger than I'd been in years, I wasn't focusing on my core which apparently was a very HUGE mistake. Oy. I also had been skiing recently and even worse, snowboarding for the first time, which strained it even further. Plus I had recently slipped on ice on our front steps and taken a pretty decent fall. And, of course, I got pregnant. Later I found out that my new pregnancy hormones may have actually loosened my joints and helped secure the perfect storm to not only badly herniate my L4/L5 discs, but also make me unable to heal quickly.

I remember the morning so well. I was so thrilled to be home in Chicago. I'd arranged to work here that week and at that point I hadn't spent 7 consistent days with my husband since Christmas. We'd also just learned I was pregnant. So that Monday morning I rolled out of bed and popped to my feet with a smile on my face. Immediately it was like a lightning bolt shot through my body. Such incredible pain. So much that I called out to Mr.A immediately. He helped me back to bed and we both tried to shake it off as a temporary issue. I even took some Advil without knowing you're not supposed to when you're pregnant.

Two days later we were in the emergency room. I was 7 weeks pregnant and being told that normally I would be given some good drugs and steroids but since I was pregnant it was going to be dicey. I should probably talk to my OB about pain killers. But I didn't have one yet. When I found one she told me she didn't deal with backs and couldn't help me. (Bitch. I can't help but seethe with anger about that woman. She was so cold and indifferent while I was hunched over in such obvious pain. I have since sought vengeance through a bad yelp review.) Anyway - then I was referred to a back doctor, but there was immediate talk of surgery and risk to the baby so I freaked out. It was horrible. All the while I couldn't walk without support and was constantly curled over at a 90 degree angle.

Finally I was referred to the Chicago Rehab Institute where there are doctors who specialized in spinal issues for pregnant women. Everything changed. My new doctor was a savior. She referred me to an OB she could work with and together they put me on drugs that took the edge off without hurting the baby. They reassured me that I could do this. I just needed to go to physical therapy twice a week until the baby was born. Um yea. Did I mention that I fly twice a week for work?

I didn't go back to Denver for two months. My job was amazing about it but I still needed to work from home so I built a home office in bed and actually found the distraction pretty helpful. One thing though - I couldn't tell them I was pregnant! They were baffled when every week I wasn't better. I got endless emails from co-workers with advice and "helpful" stories of friends who had bad backs but had taken steroids and been better in a matter of days and so... you know... you should see about that.

I often had to rock myself for hours to ease the pain. I would wake up every two hours through the night. My awesome, patient husband had to sleep in the guest room. I would count the minutes to my next pill and then feel guilty after taking each one. I was trying to make peace with the fact that I was going to deliver a crack baby.

Thank God the pregnancy continued without an issue. The baby was looking perfectly healthy even if I wasn't. Although I remember thinking it was just ridiculous at one point in physical therapy when they started to coach me in how to puke without lurching forward and hurting my back. Seriously. Are you kidding me? Its enough that I need to puke but now I have to puke in SPECIAL WAY?

I developed a new appreciation for people with spinal injuries. Everything I did was so difficult. Opening doors was a challenge. I needed a chair to shower. I remember hobbling down the street to go to the chiropractor and feeling people stare at me because I was so curled over. Or noticing others just wouldn't make eye contact. I couldn't take care of myself. I resented people who could walk upright. I was missing spring in Chicago! I couldn't contribute to the household. Mr. A had to do everything. I felt horrible. God, to live like that. My eyes water just thinking about it.

When I was finally cleared for flights at 16 weeks pregnant I had a new outlook on the world. I lived like an 80 year-old. I walked really slowly. I sought out handicapped aisles and toilet stalls. I needed to ask for help from complete strangers. It was incredibly humbling. Before I got really pregnant, people often gave me dirty or rolled their eyes at me when I asked for help with my bag. Assholes.

When my belly got big I actually got better. The weight shifted me forward which actually helped stabilize my back and lock in the disc. And at 22 weeks I got to a point where I could tolerate pain without drugs. My 8 minute walk to work from my apartment was 20 minutes, but dammit I was managing it. It was so great to stand up straight!

As you know from my labor story, I had to make some accommodations for my back but everything turned out OK in the end. Audrey was fine, thank God. When I cried when Aud was born it wasn't just because we were finally a family. I cried because it was finally over. And my back was finally clear of the baby so I could take drugs (Hallelujah!) and begin healing for real.

I am so grateful to my husband for his help through the whole experience. Ours was not a sweet and cuddly pregnancy by any stretch. To find out your wife is pregnant and to have her land on bedrest 10 days later was a shitty hand to be dealt. But he stepped up. He cooked, cleaned and cared for me, and held me while I cried in pain. And cried some more because of hormones. His strength should surprise no one at this point. He's my rock.

I still need to be mindful of my back now. I can't pick Audrey up off the floor or out of the crib without an issue, and I definitely find myself in some discomfort at the end of every day. I'm working on it though. We want to have another baby and I ain't getting any younger.

When I was in the worst of it at the hospital I sat in the waiting room next to a paraplegic woman who was pregnant. That, my friends, will give you perspective.

I am so grateful, and so fortunate.

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Arrrrrgh

My back pain issue has turned into a serious situation. Not only have I been in tremendous physical pain, but the treatment plan has been slow and complicated, leaving me more tense and emotional than your typical patient.

For all of you who have called me with good wishes, thank you. This experience has been humbling for me, and I truly truly appreciate all of the love and support that has been sent my way.

Right now it looks like I have a hard road of physical therapy ahead of me. I really want to avoid surgery, so I'm going to work hard at it, and I will beg you for even more good thoughts and prayers in the next couple of weeks.

If you're a type who likes to visualize... Here's the callenge: We need to get my squirrely L4/L5 bulges BACK in my spinal column where they belong.

COME ON!! GET BACK IN THERE!!!!

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