As you probably noticed, I haven’t posted much in the way of words since my mother died. The truth is my muse for this site in many ways was my mother. Now that she’s gone I just stare at this page with an awful hole in my heart and tears in my eyes. Posting a picture is as much as I can do. You don’t have to think. You just slap a URL in there and everyone’s happy.
Honestly my mom and I haven’t, or, hadn’t...(these god-damned tense changes are killing me) been close in years, which is something I’ve struggled with it. If I really think about what blogging meant to me it was often about trying to offer bits of my life up to my mother as a way of connecting. It didn’t work for a long time though. She didn’t check the site very often – mostly when my sister was visiting and reminded her -- but still, every once in a while she did and her occasional posted responses encouraged me.
That changed dramatically when Audrey was born. Suddenly I could see her checking the site daily. And we talked more. At least once or twice a week. We were connecting about something we mutually loved, which was Audrey. I was happy about that. I hope she was happy about that too. I think she was. When I went through her things after she died, I found she had printed pictures of Audrey from the site which made me sob, but was also very gratifying.
I mourn her as my mother, but I am deeply saddened by the loss of what could have been. I saw glimpses of it in those last weeks, and it cuts me to the core that I won’t get to continue that conversation with her. I won’t get to ask if, like Audrey, I refused to nap at 10 weeks old. I won’t get to have her come visit and babysit. She won’t be able to tell me stories of how she managed to raise my sister, brother and me, and work, and make dinner every night. There will be no secrets and tips from the incredible woman who raised me. And with her death being sudden and unexpected there was no way to even try at a mad dash to gather that kind of info.
Kind people keep telling me to just focus on Audrey to help me get through this. In some respects that’s a truth. When she smiles at me I melt and manage to forget the ache for a moment, which is nice. But the dirty horrible deeper truth is looking to Audrey regularly for distraction and relief has been more painful than you can imagine. I can’t help but look at her and think about mothering, and the mother-daughter relationship, and that inevitably brings me to mom. Its especially painful at night when I try to rock her back to sleep in the dark. With no distraction I often find myself thinking of this entire fucked up situation and crying. And now I’m getting angry that that’s been my experience in this precious cocoon period of having a newborn. I shouldn’t be rocking her and crying.
So I haven’t been writing. Because I am a mess.
I am thankful for friends and family who are brave enough to go to my messy places with me and love me through this terrible time. And I am profoundly grateful for my husband, who hasn’t let go of my hand or turned away once in the face of his wife’s frightenly sad grief. If you want to talk about what has pulled me through this, it’s him. He has become the king of listening, distraction and laughter. All while caring for the baby and me with a grace and love that I’ve never seen in him before, but am not at all surprised by.
Today’s our 12 year anniversary actually, which is what brought me back here to my desk. It’s my appreciation and ridiculous love for him that gave me the courage to push through this morning and actually type.
Happy Anniversary J. And thank you. The day I married you was the most important day of my life, and the best decision ever. With you by my side I can get through this. I love you with all my heart and soul.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
What to say
Thursday, December 11, 2008
It's a girl!!
Audrey Jane Anderson
December 7, 2008, 8:10 pm
8 lbs, 15 oz., 21.5 inches
Her Name:
Audrey after my great grandma. Jane after J's Grandmother.
Nicknames:
Audball. The A bomb. Little Monkey. Anderson Pooper.
Likes:
"Getting groceries" (aka nursing), plus sucking daddy's fingers, and the tip of his nose.
Dislikes:
Pacifiers. Sleeping.
Other Tricks:
Can scooch and crawl up daddy's chest if she's laying on top of him.
Can get her hands out of the tightest, most insanely snug swaddles.
Labor Details:
Not sure if it was the trip to Lowe's, acupuncture, the raspberry tea, or the curry dinner, or the combination of all of them but I started getting contractions on Saturday night around 10 pm or so. We called our doula at around 1 am.
Yup, I said doula. The first 7-8 hours of labor were at home with Mr. Anderson and our fantastic doula, Jen.
Now before you think I've gone all granola on you, the back story is this: My goal for labor was to put off medical intervention for as long as possible in order to protect my back. Sounds counter intuitive, but when you get an epidural you can't feel *anything*, which is problem because when you have a herniated disc, you only know if you're re-triggering the herniation by the type of pain you feel down your leg. If you can't feel any pain, you can't correct and realign. By pushing an epidural until as late as possible, I could move around and control my positioning, thereby protecting my lumbar area. (And as bonus, holding off on the epidural also reduced my chances of needing pitocin, thereby reducing my chances of c-section, which would have also put my back at risk, plus made recovery harder.) So there you go. Your type A working girl turns granola. Anything to never go through that back pain again.
Actually, I should say I was really happy with the experience I had during those first 8 hours. Not just because I successfully protected my back, but being at home was actually were a very special experience. Let me just say, my husband was an amazing support -- we really became a "team", and our doula kept us both calm. By the time we left to head downtown at sunrise, I was moving into active labor, but feeling confident and anxious to meet the baby.
At the hospital things got a little tougher. After the epidural, everything slowed down. I was really limited to just one position because of the pain meds and my back, which made dilation progress less quickly (freakin' 8 hours to go the last 3 cm!), and in the end pushing took 3 hours and yielded very little. We finally had to bring our baby into the world via "salad tongs" (Andersonese for Forceps).
In the end I was so exhausted I could barely see a foot in front of me, but when the baby actually came out Mr. Anderson lifted me up a little and in all the commotion, I only heard him. He said, "Look, it's Audrey!"
In that instant everything cleared away and we were a family. So here we are. She's perfect, healthy and feisty. We're very happy.
Give us a few more days to figure things out before you demand more pictures. (That means you, mom.) We truly appreciate all the good wishes and support.
Sunday, June 08, 2008
Much better than an MRI, don't you think?
There's been a little confusion about the previous post. Sadly, no, my back hasn't completely healed. While I'm much better than I was, I still have to go to physical therapy, and I'm still in some pain. The picture in the last post was actually taken the day before my back went out. (Lordy, if only I could go back and warn myself to quit jumping and lie down!) Of more significance though... that picture was also taken when I was...
FIVE WEEKS PREGNANT!
Yup. Except for this whole herniated disc thing, everything's going along perfectly.
OK, seriously, the back was (obviously) a worrisome complication earlier in the pregnancy, but in the last few weeks my team of doctors (OB, Back Surgeon, Physiatrist, Rehab folks, etc) have all reassured me that this is going to be OK.
This ultrasound picture was taken at 12 weeks. I'm almost 15 weeks now. We're due Dec. 2. And we're thrilled.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Depending on the day, I live in Denver
I finally understand what this gimick is all about. For the last two weeks I've been so disoriented by this whole commuting experience that if it weren't for the carpet in the hotel elevator I wouldn't have a clue what day it is.
On a positive note, the hotel is gorgeous. The room my company has hooked me up with is unbelieveable. Take a look...
The hotel is only a couple of blocks from my new office. It's in Lodo, which is a fantastic area of the city that I'm really enjoying exploring. Next week I'll wander around and take some photos so you get a picture of what it's like here in the rockies. It's much more beautiful than I imagined.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
We're back. And since I last posted...
- Mr. Anderson's little brother graduated from college. (Congrats J!)
- Our good friends M & E shared with us that they're having a baby. (And they're coming to Chicago for the summer - which we're so thrilled about.)
- My best friend found out she's going to be promoted to a Vice President at her company (Go B!)
- None of the landscapers we had over to the house before our trip have called us back with estimates. (What is going to take to get the concrete off my lawn? What?)
- TIVO decided that I really needed to start watching Nickelodean and Spike TV. Lots and lots. Hmmm....
- Ringo has a new trick - one minute he's napping and then suddenly he'll jump up and run/leap around the house chasing nothing at full speed for no reason. (Reminder to self - he needs that annual vet exam pronto.)
- Our architect has made great progress and we are super close to having a plan for the house. (More on this later.)
- Oh, and I got a new job. It's a great business, a unique opportunity, much better pay, and (continuing the tradition of best friends going through things together) I'll be a VP too. On a more scary note, I'm going to have to start traveling to Denver weekly. (Whoooooooo.... Deeeeep breath.....)
- Considering the above, you can imagine it was an especially nice coincedence that I got to catch up with a high school girlfriend who happened to be in town and just recently completed her doctorate in Marriage and Family Therapy. Hahahaaa (Congrats K!)
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
riding into the sunset
The rumors are true. Our condo is officially under contract, after a bit less than two weeks on the market. Time to say good-bye to all this:
And hello to this:
Goodbye, penthouse. Hello, Parks & Recreation.
But, lest anyone get the wrong idea, our neighborhood is far from Green Acres. I quote the Village's official Diversity Statement: "We choose this community, not just as a place to live, but as a way of life ... Ours is a dynamic community that encourages the contributions of all citizens, regardless of race, gender, age, ethnicity, sexual orientation, disability, religion, economic status, political affiliation or any of the other distinguishing characteristics that all too often divide people in society." (I love Utopian local government.)
We have a few hurdles yet to clear: the inspection (tomorrow morning), the attorney review, the buyers getting their mortgage officially approved (more on them later). But there's nothing we can do about all that. Guess we'll just have to find ways to keep ourselves occupied in the meantime... Say, anyone know where I can get my hands on a jackhammer?
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Its a sign
So we've been worrying about all the work this house is going to need. And how much its going to cost.
Then we arrived at Torrey Pines Lodge for our friends' wedding. 
The photo I've posted here just doesn't do it justice. It's a beautiful cedar-sided craftsman masterpiece. It simply takes your breath away. Standing on the lawn looking up at it I knew it was a sign. Apparently Mr. A felt the same way. A few wine glasses later we slurred to one another...
JHA: "God, don't you love this place?"
JLA: "Yea, I gotta tell you, it reminds me of the house."
JHA: "Man, I love that house."
JLA: "Baby, I gotta tell you, I want that house."
JHA: "Yea, who are we kidding, that's our house."
So money be damned! I think we're going to throw caution to the wind and make sure we land this deal.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Weee! Made an offer on a house...
Feeling very giddy because we made an offer on a FANTASTIC craftsman bungalow. It's all of the things we've been envisioning: lots of charm, vintage details, easy walk to the el, in our budget, and perhaps most important -- it's only one block away from a *wicked margarita*!
All is not perfect of course. The house needs some work but it's not a total gut overhaul, which (if I'm being honest) is probably a very very good thing. Our initial hope was to get an amazingly great deal and really dig into a house to make it ours from top to bottom. In truth though I've been worrying that a massive year-long rip-the-house-to-the-studs project would have been brutal on team Anderson. We're both so damn picky, single-minded and stubborn!
By far the biggest project is a re-do of the kitchen. And my husband knows full well that anything kitchen related is going to have to be my domain. So with just one captain (moi!) on the project, I think team Anderson is set for a better overall home improvement experience.
Cross your fingers!
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Home sweet... money pit?
We're considering buying a total dump house with "good bones" and "a lot of opportunity" and completely rehabbing it.
In order to prepare we're researching, reading, and checking out houses. The idea is sounds fantastic (particularly when I pour through a good issue of Metropolitan Home and drool over sleek kitchens) but I'm also nervous.
Mr. Anderson (being a generally handy dude) is feeling 100% equipped for this. I, on the other hand, have very few meaningful skills to offer. But I know what I like in home design, plus I'm terribly bossy, so I hoping that's gonna stack the chips in my favor a bit.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Our 2006 Resolution
Our first year here was busy with pretty serious stuff - get jobs, get a place to live, figure out where to buy bread, adjust to a big body of water being east, etc. As the new year approaches, we've realize that we've been pretty damn boring for the last 365 days.
In 2006 Justin and I have made the great resolution to have much more fun. Our chief goals: get to know Chicago much better, do things we've never done before, and just generally goof off.
We'll be posting our plans here. We'd love to hear your suggestions on where to go, and what to do. Or even better - come join us!
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Holiday Greetings from Bear Country
When we moved from Los Angeles to Chicago a year ago, priority one for Mr. Anderson was getting a whole season's worth of Bears tickets. Sounded like a blast to me. Then winter came. Let me just say this -- never did I imagine a day where I would be standing in a frigid stadium, wind whipping at my face, wearing two pairs of long johns, two sets of socks, jeans, boots, three layered sweaters, a giant down coat, a hat, scarf, and two pairs of gloves screaming, "Cheeseheads suck!" at the top of my lungs.
I guess that officially makes me a Chicagoan now.
