I haven't posted much lately because I'm getting my ass kicked by this whole two-kids-while-working thing. Or, to be more specific, the toddler-and-newborn-while-working thing. I remind myself all the time that many women do it, and do it without help. Like my mom.
I wish she was here so I could call and tell her how much I understand now. And how thankful I am.
Showing posts with label Mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mom. Show all posts
Friday, August 06, 2010
No wonder she was so tired.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Compartmentalization and Maternal Comfort
On Compartmentalization:
I just got back from my longest business trip since Aud was born. Four days away.
The first 3 days were actually pretty easy. I'm a pretty good compartmentalizer, my work was intense and distracting, the hours were long, plus I knew she was being well cared for by our absolutely-perfect nanny and near-perfect husband, so I actually managed to get through it pretty well. I even enjoyed a little wine and dinner out. Woo hoo!
On that last day though - good lord. My 'strong-working mom compartmentalization' strategy fell apart without warning at the Denver airport where I suddenly developed bionic hearing. Every baby's cry in the terminal sounded uncannily like Audrey. And I could see strollers and children everywhere. Throughout the hour or so I was there I fought the urge to grab random babies from unsuspecting mothers' arms and cuddle the bejesus out of them.
Even though she really didn't need it I snuck into her room that night and gently woke her up to give her an extra bottle. She didn't open her eyes. When she finished I rocked her back to sleep against my shoulder, rubbed her back, stroked her legs and inhaled her peaches and cream skin. In the dark of her room my eyes welled with tears. I don't think I've ever been so truly happy to be home.
The next morning when I went to get her from the crib I fully expected a big grin and flapping arms. Instead I was greeted by stone cold blinks and a pout. She didn't break into a smile all morning.
Until the nanny showed up. Then she giggled and squealed like someone just handed her a puppy.
Ouch.
So I had a pang of jealousy, and the classic guilt. But I shook it off quickly because I know motherhood is a marathon not a sprint. And this shit is going to happen and she's going to be OK. And so am I. And I had work to do.... so I couldn't sit there and feel bad about it.
On Maternal Comfort:
We're staying with my in-laws this week while some rather smelly and toxic work gets done in the house (more on that later.) Aud won't let me put her down for a second. I'm sure its her being out of her routine, or teething, or being in a new environment, but she bawls when any of my in-laws touch her. Or when I put her down to change her. Or when I try to make dinner. I keep wishing it would be so nice if she could just chill out. Both so she could bond with them, and so I could blow dry my hair. But this is the ebb and flow of things. Sometimes you get the silent treatment and sometimes your baby clings to you like Velcro.
I've been missing my mom a lot more this week as well. We're approaching the six month anniversary of her death which has been weighing in my mind lately. The actual time since I last talked to her is beginning to feel so achingly distant. Like an island sinking on the horizon as I float away into a life that moves forward. With the house project, our move out here, travel, and some stuff going on at work, I've been over-tired and overburdened too, which makes me yearn for someone who can just quiet me and make me feel better. A mom, say.
But, alas, my mom is gone. I'm the mom now.
Last night while I was winding down to sleep it occurred to me I was getting annoyed with Aud because she wanted the same thing I did.
Oh baby girl.
If she wants me to hold her this week while we're all out of whack, so be it.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Sisters are Special. Aunts are Scary.
My sister is on day 4 with us and Aud is still screaming every time she picks her up. Not a little whimpery cry either. She does a full blown OH GOD NO! HOW COULD YOU?! howl when Cheryl tries to hold her.
I don't get it. Apparently Aud has stranger danger for all men, plus her aunt. So odd.
Anyway, this minor hiccup hasn't stopped me from taking advantage of C being here. If she just sits on the floor with her and doesn't touch her while she plays, Audball can deal with her for a little while, which is all this momma needs to get a nice shower in without stress. I even shaved my legs people! My child's psychological health be damned.
Apart from the baby's misery, we've managed to have a nice visit. There have been some good laughs and smiles and also some moments where we both miss my mom. Yesterday actually, my sister mentioned how seeing the baby and playing with her makes her wish my mom was with us. It occurred to me I used to think that way a lot too. Your heart and your logical mind go powerfully out of synch when you experience loss. You ache for fantasies of what could have been. But they were never going to be. After all, if she were still alive, mom would be 2000 miles away and wouldn't see the baby regularly. And I wouldn't think twice about it. But instead I miss her every day as if she lived next door and we were best friends.
Deep breath. Change of topic...
In other more classic "sister-moment" news, C also announced that now that mom's gone it's my job to arrange her wedding. At that point I did my best to channel mom when I said, "Yea, really? Get busy trying to land a man, would ya?"
Monday, June 15, 2009
Grandpa Visit
My father came out to see Audball this weekend. It wasn't a great start -- as soon as he walked in she presented her patented "men are scary" quivering pout followed by loud sad sobs -- but she managed to warm up to him when he made funny faces during dinner.
We visited the aquarium downtown and took dad on a walking tour of the Frank Lloyd Wright homes nearby. Audrey was oblivious to the fish and the gorgeous architecture but it didn't matter of course. It was just nice to help my dad get out and see the smile on his face as he enjoyed his granddaughter.
It was really hard not to think about my mom and what she'll miss but my dad is focused on having a positive outlook toward his "new normal", so for his sake we kept things upbeat. She would have wanted us to live life and move forward. She also would have loved seeing Audrey laugh and grab her grandpa's face.
I miss her.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
No thinking = Great Mother's Day. Who knew?
I was afraid to set up too many expectations for today. For one, obviously, because of my mom. But for another, because it was my first. So a few days back I let go and just decided to not worry about it and let the day roll. My goals were simple: enjoy my new family, cherish my daughter, see what Mother's Day feels like - for me.
We went to brunch down the street, swung in swings at the park and took several naps. It was wonderfully relaxing and felt so indulgent. (Important disclosure: the wickedly naughty cocktail at 10 am brunch didn't hurt.) And I liked how complete strangers and neighbors tell you "Happy Mothers Day". It's a unique and lovely recognition.
Just a really great day. And a great lesson. I didn't think about the past, I didn't worry about the future. No coulda/shoulda stuff. I just concentrated on the sweet smile of my baby girl, her peaches and cream breath, and the joy on the face of my husband as she grabbed at his scratchy beard while cuddled in his arms.
It's all good.
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Mother's Day
Obviously I knew Mother's Day would be hard. I've been bracing myself, actually. But it comes at you from everywhere. One unavoidable reminder -- for the last few days I've been getting spam emails reminding me that I should tell my mom how much I love her, or should make sure to send her flowers, etc. So it's been a big week of wincing and unsubscribing.
I got a piece of great advice from my friend Heidi though. She suggested I take the money I would have spent on a gift for mom and buy myself something she would have wanted me to have. I still had the gift certificate she gave me for Christmas too, so I took that and combined it with the money I would have spent on her and bought an outrageously expensive pair of sunglasses with a little more glam than I normally would be into. (My mom LOVED glam. She was a Joan Collin's lovin' big gold wearing glam queen.) AND I got 25% off by charming the guy behind the counter, which she would have enjoyed. It was pretty fun.
So even though I was quite happy with my purchase, when I got to the car I burst into tears. Normally at that moment I would call her to tell her how I spent the gift card. But no.
It washes over you suddenly. You breathe and then you move on. Or in my case, I called my sister and she helped me breathe and move on.
I've been taking a lot of comfort in the fact that my last Mother's Day gift to my mom was (and this is her words) her "best ever". Last year on Mother's Day I told my mom I was pregnant. She was the happiest I've ever heard her.
So I'm just going to focus on that. Best ever.
Mom and Me. My last picture with her. My shower. October 2008.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
TMI warning. Discussion involving girly business.
Seriously. If you're a male (like my FIL or my dad) stop reading now. You won't like it.
Ah, who am I kidding? They never visit anyway. Ladies? Shall we...
So yesterday my body made it violently clear that its ready to have another baby. I'm sort of floored by this. Already? Really? I'm not breastfeeding, which I guess means this shouldn't have been a surprise, but REALLY? I just am feeling human again. And my body is... oh jesus... a DISASTER. I guess I'm somewhat horrified and amazed at the same time. It's a marvelous thing, the female body. It's breathtaking, really. But wow.
And here's a hilarious thought -- before I got pregnant and the whole back thing happened our plan was to actually pop two kids out one right after another. (I'm not getting any younger, remember?) So if I were to follow the plan now we'd be fine with this turn of events. Happy probably! Let me say today though --- OH NO. Whoa boy. Let's slow this down. Age be damned. I need a breather. At least a little one. And the back needs to heal.
In other TMI news. I paid $50 to find out when my mom went through menopause. Yea, that's a weird one, right? Recently it occurred to me I had no idea when my mom went through it and at some point down the road I think I'm going to want to know that sort of info. And probably lots of other medical history facts that I never bothered to ask her about (you know, because she was supposed to live a while.) And not just for me - for my sister and Aud... So I paid to get a copy of her medical records. It arrived -- all 64 pages of it -- with a huge thud. I could understand absolutely NOTHING from the doctors notes, but found myself sad looking at mom's writing. Each little check mark on a form (you know, "no, no history of seizures" etc.) felt oddly like a little piece of her. It was harder than I expected.
I got what I wanted though. In 2007 she wrote down her last cycle was 5 years prior. So she was 55. Now I know.
If anyone knows a doctor who would be willing to translate the rest, I'd be appreciative.
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Cathy LaPlante Day
So today is mom's birthday. She would have been 62 years young. In the last few days I've thought about how I wanted to manage myself through this day and here's how I'm approaching it: It's bad enough that Jan. 22 will forever be marked as the anniversary of the most horrible day of my life. I refusing to give up another precious day of the year to sadness.
So instead I'm trying to use the moments when I think of mom today to "bank" some positive memories of her. It's a weird instinct I've had a lot lately. Apparently it happens when you lose someone you loved. When you're hit with a memory you have this incredible urge to rerun, rerun and rerun it. Like memorization. Logic being there won't be any more memories, so you want to hold on to each all the more tightly.
Sigh.
So with that - here are some things that have occurred to me today:
She was great with birthdays. She loved buying adorable cakes when we were young. I remember one in particular that I loved -- a cake formed around a barbie doll standing straight up. She wore a big hoop skirt made of cake. With big frosting to make it look puffy and beautifully draped.
Also - there was a year we were really into Knight Rider so for my birthday mom rented a Trans Am and drove me and my friend Debbie around town and pretended it was KIT. I totally remember flying north on the 405 with the sunroof open, shouting to "KIT" to turbo boost as mom smiled and laughed.
My big Disneyland birthday. I am so impressed she did this now, actually. I think when I was in 7th grade (maybe 8th?) she took me and bunch of my girlfriends from school to Disneyland for the day and then we stayed over at the Disneyland hotel. We were hooting and hollering on the balcony of the hotel at one point - trying to attract attention from boys below. I'm sure she loved that. Somewhere there's an old style portrait of us in sailor suits with mom behind us. I have to try to find that picture.
And of course - for my 16th birthday mom surprised me by flying me to Vegas for the day and taught me to play blackjack. With real money! She winked at the dealer when he asked my age and told him, "Oh today's her birthday and she's 21. You can trust me on that. I was there!" On the flight back she told me to tell my father I’d gone to school, then we’d been shopping. Best birthday present ever.
So this is good. I'm smiling. And wondering if my husband will mind if I sneak Audrey to Vegas when she's 16. Hmmm...
If I think of more I'll post them as the day goes on.
5:19 pm - We just found a box with tons of Disney videos in the garage. So funny we should uncover them today. Mom used to give them to us as gifts over the years. She always worried when they advertised limited edition copies that by the time we had kids we wouldn't be able to get one.
Monday, March 09, 2009
3 months
Milestones:
Audrey:
Me:
Mr. Anderson:
Sunday, February 15, 2009
What to say
As you probably noticed, I haven’t posted much in the way of words since my mother died. The truth is my muse for this site in many ways was my mother. Now that she’s gone I just stare at this page with an awful hole in my heart and tears in my eyes. Posting a picture is as much as I can do. You don’t have to think. You just slap a URL in there and everyone’s happy.
Honestly my mom and I haven’t, or, hadn’t...(these god-damned tense changes are killing me) been close in years, which is something I’ve struggled with it. If I really think about what blogging meant to me it was often about trying to offer bits of my life up to my mother as a way of connecting. It didn’t work for a long time though. She didn’t check the site very often – mostly when my sister was visiting and reminded her -- but still, every once in a while she did and her occasional posted responses encouraged me.
That changed dramatically when Audrey was born. Suddenly I could see her checking the site daily. And we talked more. At least once or twice a week. We were connecting about something we mutually loved, which was Audrey. I was happy about that. I hope she was happy about that too. I think she was. When I went through her things after she died, I found she had printed pictures of Audrey from the site which made me sob, but was also very gratifying.
I mourn her as my mother, but I am deeply saddened by the loss of what could have been. I saw glimpses of it in those last weeks, and it cuts me to the core that I won’t get to continue that conversation with her. I won’t get to ask if, like Audrey, I refused to nap at 10 weeks old. I won’t get to have her come visit and babysit. She won’t be able to tell me stories of how she managed to raise my sister, brother and me, and work, and make dinner every night. There will be no secrets and tips from the incredible woman who raised me. And with her death being sudden and unexpected there was no way to even try at a mad dash to gather that kind of info.
Kind people keep telling me to just focus on Audrey to help me get through this. In some respects that’s a truth. When she smiles at me I melt and manage to forget the ache for a moment, which is nice. But the dirty horrible deeper truth is looking to Audrey regularly for distraction and relief has been more painful than you can imagine. I can’t help but look at her and think about mothering, and the mother-daughter relationship, and that inevitably brings me to mom. Its especially painful at night when I try to rock her back to sleep in the dark. With no distraction I often find myself thinking of this entire fucked up situation and crying. And now I’m getting angry that that’s been my experience in this precious cocoon period of having a newborn. I shouldn’t be rocking her and crying.
So I haven’t been writing. Because I am a mess.
I am thankful for friends and family who are brave enough to go to my messy places with me and love me through this terrible time. And I am profoundly grateful for my husband, who hasn’t let go of my hand or turned away once in the face of his wife’s frightenly sad grief. If you want to talk about what has pulled me through this, it’s him. He has become the king of listening, distraction and laughter. All while caring for the baby and me with a grace and love that I’ve never seen in him before, but am not at all surprised by.
Today’s our 12 year anniversary actually, which is what brought me back here to my desk. It’s my appreciation and ridiculous love for him that gave me the courage to push through this morning and actually type.
Happy Anniversary J. And thank you. The day I married you was the most important day of my life, and the best decision ever. With you by my side I can get through this. I love you with all my heart and soul.
Monday, February 02, 2009
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Mom
We lost my mom unexpectedly last Thursday the 22nd. I have no words to express how much I loved her and miss her. 
I'm grateful for all the support and prayers.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Frequently Asked Pregnancy Questions
Q: Is Mr. Anderson the father?
A: How dare you, yes.
Q: When are you due?
A: Dec. 2
Q: How are you feeling?
A: Apart from the back thing, the fact that I can't sleep (hence me up at 4 am now), the fact that most food repulses me, and and the morning sickness, I'm OK. It definitely hasn't been a glorious Angelina Jolie pregnancy, though.
Q: Any nicknames?
A: The Gote, Triscuit, Wyatt, Wyetta, Wynotta, WhyIOtta, (Thanks to my father-in-law, anything that can be derived from "Wyatt".)
Q: Are you going to name it Wyatt?
A: No
Q: Then why are you calling it Wyatt?
A: Only 5 minutes after finding out we are going to have a baby, my FIL declared we should name it Wyatt. That inevitably set off a traditional Anderson naming game - which means it's going to be called Wyatt for a little while, then Wyatt begins to turn into every nickname the family can think of for Wyatt. It's hard to explain, but truly hilarious.
Q: Are you craving anything?
A: Bourbon. Specifically, Maker's Mark.
Q: Hahah. That's funny. Seriously, what are you craving?
A: Seriously, Bourbon. It smells like heaven.
Q: You're not drinking Bourbon are you?
A: Ummmm. Of course not. Noooo.
Q: Are you showing?
A: That depends. I think I just look like I had a burrito for lunch, but the other day while I was looking at a summer dress, a 19 year-old Nordstrom saleswoman called me out with "I have a couple of pregnant ladies who also have bought that dress. It works well for maternity!" DOH!
Q: Do they know at work?
A: Well, the Nordstrom girl freaked me out. So I'm telling everyone this week.
Q: Wait -- are you still flying to Denver?
A: Yes.
Q: What? How?
A: Very carefully.
Q: That must suck.
A: Was that a question?
Q: You're not going to keep doing that, are you?*
A: I'm modifying my schedule slowly. Over the next few months, I'll be working more and more from home. By October 1, I'll be working from home entirely.
Q: Are you going to find out if its a girl or a boy?
A: Nope. We're going to be surprised.
Q: How does your mother like that?
A: She thinks we're crazy, and has just decided to assume it's a girl. If it ends up being a boy, it will have to be cool enough to wear pink.
* Actually, this question has only been asked (in horror) by my mom.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Congrats Mom
Not many women can say they're the proud daughter of a certifiable poker champion, but this week my mom outright won the Texas Hold 'em tournament at her favorite casino in Reno. It was an 80 person tournament and she whooped them all!! Wooo! Way to go mom!
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Happy Birthday Mom
Happy Happy XXth Birthday!
I can't say how old because she'll kill me. When I was 10 she told people she had me when she was 21. I think when I was 20 she brought it down to 18. Don't really want to imagine what she's got it at now.
Doesn't matter. I love you Mom. Have a fantastic birthday.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Oscars
Growing up in LA, you couldn't help but know someone who was an actor/producer/writer/director/music editor "in the industry". Most of the time it seemed perfectly normal but now that I think about it, it did make for some remarkable childhood memories. Like when the Los Angeles Dodgers came to my friend Katherine's 10th birthday. Or when my schoolmate Michelle had a rollerskating party and Dorothy Hamill joined us.
As my mom reminded me back then, kids in Kansas don't generally get to say they showed off their freestyle moves to Dorothy Hamill. (Actually, what I really remember was how glad I was that I was wearing my jeans with a pink roller skate patch on my tush. I was super sure Dorothy was impressed.)
Inevitably I ended up dating the actor/producer/writer/director/music editors. I never got to a level where there were paparazzi pics of me with anyone (unless one shot in Teen Beat counts) but the experience was sort of surreal in any case. I mean, in Kansas, when the girls go out on dates do the guys say, "I'd order the tempura, but it's horrible for my skin and I've got an audition for a Crest commercial tomorrow."
I'm actually a second generation Los Angeleno so my mom and I have always had that in common. Did I ever tell you that Natasha Gregson Wagner could have been my stepsister? Anyway, it's a long story.
In any case, later in life I worked at Warner Bros. and got exposed to the more traditional Hollyweird stuff like learning the names and phone numbers of every agent in town by practicing with index cards, and remembering what execs were and weren't speaking to whom and why, and (of course) getting coffee for celebrities and getting screamed at when it wasn't non-fat-soy-with-whipped. So with all those fine skills, when I left the business what I was ultimately left with was... well, very little -- except an amazing talent for witty/snarky color-commentary during the Oscars and an impressive record of winning every Oscar pool I ever entered.
This is why it was so strange to be in my room at the Marriot in Boston tonight and turn on the TV and realize I completely forgot the Oscars were on. And I have no idea who's nominated. And I doubt I've even seen more than 3 of the movies.
Who'da thunk it?
You can't take LA completely out of the girl though. In only a few minutes, I'd ordered wine (yes mom, occasionally I drink alone and it's OK) and settled in for good night of solo snarking. I mean, did you see the look that Penelope Cruz gave Ellen after the insinuation that she was Mexican? ¡El horror!
Monday, October 30, 2006
Awwwwh
Years ago, when my mom and dad remodeled their home in LA, they etched their names in the concrete outside. Every time I ever looked at it I couldn't help but smile a little.
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