Compartmentalization and Maternal Comfort

On Compartmentalization:

I just got back from my longest business trip since Aud was born. Four days away.

The first 3 days were actually pretty easy. I'm a pretty good compartmentalizer, my work was intense and distracting, the hours were long, plus I knew she was being well cared for by our absolutely-perfect nanny and near-perfect husband, so I actually managed to get through it pretty well. I even enjoyed a little wine and dinner out. Woo hoo!

On that last day though - good lord. My 'strong-working mom compartmentalization' strategy fell apart without warning at the Denver airport where I suddenly developed bionic hearing. Every baby's cry in the terminal sounded uncannily like Audrey. And I could see strollers and children everywhere. Throughout the hour or so I was there I fought the urge to grab random babies from unsuspecting mothers' arms and cuddle the bejesus out of them.

Even though she really didn't need it I snuck into her room that night and gently woke her up to give her an extra bottle. She didn't open her eyes. When she finished I rocked her back to sleep against my shoulder, rubbed her back, stroked her legs and inhaled her peaches and cream skin. In the dark of her room my eyes welled with tears. I don't think I've ever been so truly happy to be home.

The next morning when I went to get her from the crib I fully expected a big grin and flapping arms. Instead I was greeted by stone cold blinks and a pout. She didn't break into a smile all morning.

Until the nanny showed up. Then she giggled and squealed like someone just handed her a puppy.

Ouch.

So I had a pang of jealousy, and the classic guilt. But I shook it off quickly because I know motherhood is a marathon not a sprint. And this shit is going to happen and she's going to be OK. And so am I. And I had work to do.... so I couldn't sit there and feel bad about it.

On Maternal Comfort:

We're staying with my in-laws this week while some rather smelly and toxic work gets done in the house (more on that later.) Aud won't let me put her down for a second. I'm sure its her being out of her routine, or teething, or being in a new environment, but she bawls when any of my in-laws touch her. Or when I put her down to change her. Or when I try to make dinner. I keep wishing it would be so nice if she could just chill out. Both so she could bond with them, and so I could blow dry my hair. But this is the ebb and flow of things. Sometimes you get the silent treatment and sometimes your baby clings to you like Velcro.

I've been missing my mom a lot more this week as well. We're approaching the six month anniversary of her death which has been weighing in my mind lately. The actual time since I last talked to her is beginning to feel so achingly distant. Like an island sinking on the horizon as I float away into a life that moves forward. With the house project, our move out here, travel, and some stuff going on at work, I've been over-tired and overburdened too, which makes me yearn for someone who can just quiet me and make me feel better. A mom, say.

But, alas, my mom is gone. I'm the mom now.

Last night while I was winding down to sleep it occurred to me I was getting annoyed with Aud because she wanted the same thing I did.

Oh baby girl.

If she wants me to hold her this week while we're all out of whack, so be it.